The Great American Nap—How to Take It

Ribbon-HumorPress-com-SemiFinalistWhy Great American? Because we Americans have taken something people the world over indulge in, in some form or another, and elevated it to an art form. While south of the (so-called) border, some countries have institutionalized the siesta, and while the English nod off in overstuffed chairs, and those in drinking countries fall into stupors, let it be known if there is ever an international competition, you can bet that the USA takes a back seat to no one, and will not be caught, er…napping.

I have incorporated tips from renowned nappers into my own personal experiences, and have come up with the following facts, some or which are helpful and some of which are totally worthless. You’ll have to figure out which are which…and then tell me.

First of all, the only nap that really counts is the Saturday Afternoon Nap (SAN); the Sunday afternoon nap is a gimme, even people who don’t normally nap, fall into a semi-coma on Sunday afternoons (unless it happens to be football season), and if you’re napping during the week, what the hell is wrong with you?–get back to work.

Now, the SAN seems to be a preponderantly male activity, or lack thereof. But there are women who can tackle the nap with all the zest and gusto that a man employs when about to embark on one. These are the same women who don’t wait around indefinitely for someone to buy them a drink, and indeed, who have been known to step up to the plate and buy a round themselves. And they never feign not knowing how much to tip. One of those women that you’d be darned lucky to marry. Now even if they don’t often take a nap, these perfect women will indulge you in yours, just pausing in the midst of their Saturday afternoon bustling around to see you spread out on the couch, your mouth agape, emitting sounds not from this Earth. She will smile fondly and then go back to whatever the hell she does.

As for nap equipment, usually all you need is your favorite chair, recliner, or couch (I cleverly refer to my own couch with its accomodatingly sinking cushions as “Napa Valley.”
Some purists say that you are, under no circumstances, to go into your bedroom and take off your clothes and get under the covers. That’s called “sleeping.”

Some also people say that having the TV on with the volume turned down appropriately is conducive to a satisfying nap. (I think most of the newer remotes have a “drone“ button right above the “mute” button.)
Make sure you don’t have anything on the tube that would catch your interest, thereby cheating you out of your, I’m sure, well-deserved, nap.

I recommend a rousing golf tournament, amateur, if possible, so you don’t keep straining to catch a glimpse of Tiger Woods. Trust me, if he’s in a tournament, he’ll be shown within 20 sections of your tuning in.
A nice baseball game has its own rhythm to it, one that can send you off serenely.
If you can get a soccer game on, preferably with the commentary in a foreign language, you have hit paydirt!

A couple more minor points to cover, and then I’ll let you get back to your nap.

  • Company – If you have a favorite warm furry pet that is also allowed on the couch (that restriction is treated with total contempt by cats), by all means whistle him or her aboard.
    Now, even if your wife is a good napper in her own right, never attempt to nap with her. That could lead to other things, and…what am I, nuts? You invite her to get right there beside you.
  • Timing – Remember, we’re talking about the Saturday AFTERNOON nap. If you’re napping in the morning, you’re over 80, and I’ve got nothing new to teach you. Also, don’t get started on that nap too late. If you start it at 5 and then you start stirring at 6ish-7ish, well, you’re done for the night. Just get up, yawn, go brush your teeth and go to bed, yes, without supper.

I’d advise you to start the nap somewhere between 2 and 3–if you’re napping at 3, by the time you get up it’ll be too late to do any of that yardwork you lied through your teeth about doing.

Finally…(Oh look, they’ve all drifted off.)