I’m King of Wisconsin


 Royal Proclamation

 As King of Wisconsin, I Hereby Decree…

            Wait, let me interrupt myself—you may be asking, “Hey how’s come you get to be King of Wisconsin? Who died and left you in charge?”

            Good questions. I may dub you “Lord High Question Asker” if you play your cards right—assuming you play Sheepshead. I’m surprised you didn’t know about it; it happened months ago—it was in all the papers, what’s left of them.

            Briefly, my meteoric rise to the throne came about because the electorate had become thoroughly disgusted, disillusioned, and yes, virtually disenfranchised by the rancor, vitriol, mean spiritedness and divisiveness of Wisconsin politics.  Not much can get done by people who are alternately pointing fingers at each other and giving each other the finger. Sounds like Washington D.C., ain’a?

            Well, a number of right thinking people representing all hues of the political spectrum and all corners of the state got together to correct the situation.

            The end result? While you were sleeping, so to speak, I became King of Wisconsin.            

            Exactly why Wisconsin got a King is partly your fault. Remember these two great historical quotes addressing this very issue:

                        I. Eternal vigilance is the price of freedom.


                        II. You snooze, you lose.

            The coup occurred some time ago when out of the 5,726,398 citizens of Wisconsin, 5,726,000 of them were immobilized, glued to their TV sets, radios, iPads, and smart phones during a Packer game.  The remaining 398 were following the Brewers.

            My first Royal Act was to have Wisconsin secede from the United States. Texas talks about it. Well, Texas talks about a lot of things; Wisconsin acts. I also Stateisized the Wisconsin National Guard, and commandeered for the State Fleet all the Harley-Davidsons, Oshkosh Trucks, Simplicity Lawn Tractors and Wisconsin Dells Ducks that the state politicos were riding to curry favor (suck up) to the local voters.

            Next, I acted swiftly to appoint ambassadors to Illinois, Minnesota, Iowa and Michigan. At that time, I also ordered the borders closed. That’ll work, right? And although we are a former colony of America, I extended the hand of friendship to her. No hard feelings, I say.

            Also, while Wisconsin is a peaceful country, I am prepared to declare war on Michigan if they don’t allow the citizens of the UP to have a plebiscite on joining Wisconsin. Michigan has ignored our Upper Peninsula brothers and sisters for years—we will welcome them warmly (or as warmly as anything can get up there) and salute any of these new Wisconsonians with the official Yooper greeting of “Hey, dere.” I have no doubt they will overwhelmingly check the box on the ballots labeled, “Yah, you betcha.”

            Oh it’s all legal. The Wisconsin Supreme Court Justices, in a rare unanimous ruling, after a not so rare bench-clearing brawl, said it “was about damn time.”

            Nothing for you to be alarmed about. Nothing to see here.  It was a bloodless coup, and it was a long time coming. There were certain things about Wisconsin that had to be fixed. Nothing was getting done and something had to be done. And who better than a King to get things going?

            But why me? Two unbeatable reasons:

            I. Turns out a search committee went to Ancestry.com and found that I was the closest living descendent to our last Monarch—King George III—yes, the notorious Royal British Whackadoodle. I kind of look like him, too.

            II. Bart Starr turned the job down.

             Now, we in my Kingdom of Badgerland don’t like dictators, but we love Nobility and absolutely swoon over Royalty. Look at the magazine covers at the supermarket checkout lanes—count how many of them splash on pictures of Prince Harry, Prince William, Princess Kate, The Royal Urchin, Queen Latifah, and Lady Gaga. This goes a long way back, when all over our former country of America, we paid homage to the likes of Count Basie, the Artist formerly known as Prince, Baron von Raschke, and the Duke of Earl.

            No doubt you have concerns about the serious issues facing our new country: Balancing the Budget; Jobs; Health Care; Crime; Education; Strip Mining; Spear Fishing; and Oleo Smuggling—oh they took care of that one? Good. Less work for me.

            These matters all had to be addressed. But not much was really being done for the people and businesses of Wisconsin because the Number One priority of Democrats, Republicans, and various nut job party candidates was getting elected. The Number Two priority? Getting re-elected.

            Think of all the money that was wasted on elections of all kinds. Why you couldn’t run for Founders Day Queen in Onalaska without attracting huge expenditures from Super PACs. Instead, that money will now go directly to the Wisconsin Royal Treasury, and thence to my people.

            So, instead your King, that’s me…or “We,” will make decisions about these matters, relying on the sage counsel of my Court, which consists of those who will be contributing to my coffers. All decisions are based on the irrefutable reason of “Because I said so.

            I shall also cure the schism between our two most important cities. For one thing, I will spend the Spring and in my Governor’s Mansion in Madison, and the Fall in my alternate Governor’s Mansion in Milwaukee and urge both communities to work together. I’ll also give props to the other areas of the state by spending the Summer in the Governor’s Cottage on Moose Lake (up by Hayward).

            Oh, the Winter? Like most Wisconsinites with any sense and the wherewithal, I’ll spend it in Florida.           

            Not bad, hey? You’d probably vote for me if you could, but you can’t. Can’t vote against me either. Make no mistake about it, I am King of Wisconsin.

            And lastly, good news.  Local artisans are putting the finishing touches on my new crown, fashioned from a foam rubber Cheesehead mold. Souvenir miniatures will be on sale at the Palace Gift Shops.

            You may now begin bowing and scraping yourself out backwards.

            You will soon receive a Royal Invitation (Command  Appearance) to participate in the pomp and circumstance of my upcoming Official Coronation Ceremony. Choice of venue is down to the House on the Rock or the Tommy Bartlett Water Show.

            I’m registered at Fleet Farm and Menards.